The Loose Condition of Our Connections

•  You or a colleague has applied for a new job, made it through not 3 but 4 interviews and then—dead silence.

• You have a student who has an interview scheduled with an HR leader for an assignment and the leader backs out right before the interview.

•  You send a prospective client a requested scope of work and proposal and never hear anything back even after multiple contact attempts.

• You have a new employee scheduled to start, does not show up on the start date and never responds to any emails or phone calls.

Any of this sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so. After having some of these happen to me, I asked the students in my class if this is happening to them.  Even they are not immune to the mysterious disappearing connections and relationships.  I asked a follow-up question---Are they experiencing more of this since COVID, about the same, or less?  They answered with a resounding MUCH MORE.  This isn’t to say there weren’t issues before COVID. However, I believe what we are experiencing is more than the occasional ghosting.

 Over the last two years we have retreated into our homes, into our social media accounts, and into smaller and smaller worlds. In those two years, we all wondered what the impact would be on children who were socially isolated.  The social aspects of their learning and growth were dependent on interacting with their peers.  Would their psychological growth be underdeveloped? Would they be able to recover after going back to school in person and engage in extracurricular activities again?  What long-term effects would we see?  I had the same wonderings about my adult colleagues.

There are many thoughts and theories about the impact of the social isolation many of us faced.  I am sure we all have our stories or experiences of how things have changed in our interactions with each other.  In that first year, it made sense we had to use different ways of communicating and interacting.  Most of that first year was spent on just trying to get through one day at a time and relying on the virtual world and social distance strategies to do all the things we routinely did in close connection with others.  The second year seemed a lot like the first year. 

Just how loose have our connections become?  How can we tighten our connections that have been worn down and out of practice for 2 years?  This concept really hit home when I was reading a recent article in the Atlantic, “Why Are People Acting So Weird” by Olga Khazan.  In Khazan’s article she discusses many reasons that may be behind some of the strange behavior. The one section that jumped out for me was the idea that as social beings, the social isolation has changed us and loosened the bindings we have toward one another. Yeah, sure we had Zoom, Teams, and other ways to “connect and interact”.  We heard a lot of “we can be just as productive without being face-to-face and in the office.”  We were able to get work done, be productive, and still keep everything functioning.  

 I wonder if you experienced what I experienced in that “productive” virtual space?  Many more email misunderstandings that have to be untangled.   Virtual meetings where people do not turn on their cameras or turn on their cameras and are not really paying attention.  You wonder what they are doing or you can see they are doing email or doing something else entirely.  You can tell because you ask a question, and the person has no idea what the topic is and asks you to ask the question again.  I believe in that virtual world; something gets left behind that is critical to building relationships with each other.

 There are unintended consequences from having to rely on contactless experiences and a greater dependance on virtual and electronic communications.  It can show up as feeling less responsible to each other.  In many ways we have gotten out of practice maintaining and demonstrating norms of how to work and interact with each other that create connections and engagement.  Now that we are beginning to re-engage with others in share space again, how do we strengthen the ties of community and responsibility with each other?  How do we go from those loose connections to tighter connections with each other?  What tools can we use? How long do you think it will take?  

Plant Bulbs—Lots of Them

Over the last three years I’ve spent a lot of time on and in my gardens.  My dream is to have lots of color and variety throughout most of the year.   The last two falls, I planted bulbs –lots of them.  A few weeks ago, I was wandering through my garden areas looking at what was blooming, starting to pop out of the ground, and the bare areas even though I was sure I planted something there.  It occurred to me how much this garden work and planting was very similar to creating and developing my business.

Just standing in the nursery looking at all the bulb choices in all the buckets and shelves is overwhelming. There were decisions about how tall, what kind of soil, what color, bloom time, or shade/full sun.  I had those same thoughts about the focus of my consulting services and what kind of coaching practice I wanted to grow.  Although most of my experience was in the public and non-profit sector, should I also look for private sector connections?  What kind coaching did I really want to do?  What kind of coaching clients did I want to work with?  How did I want to collaborate with other colleagues for consulting work?  How do I find coaching and consulting work of my own?

Even questions about what the right amount of work is—busyness.  How do I balance working for now and for future work along while enjoying the other parts of life?  What’s that sweet spot?  Just like with those bulbs, I had to decide what color palette I wanted and what was most suitable for my yard.  I had to pay attention to that garden vision in my head and how to make that happen step by step knowing it would take several years to make it a reality.

Ever think about how MANY bulbs come in a bag—25—50—100 or even more? If you want lots of flowers, you must plant A LOT of bulbs.  You never know which ones will bloom, be dug up by squirrels to be eaten or replanted somewhere else in the garden, or just be total duds. Also, the bulbs you plant may not actually be what you think you planted. Initially, I had the same experience connecting with people, making connections, speaking at dinner programs and conferences, and having calls with prospective clients.  Lots of those led nowhere, many started to lead somewhere and then the ghosting began, some started to lead somewhere and then were put on hold, and a handful actually led to work. 

I learned that while most calls and meetings don’t always lead to a consulting gig or a coaching client contract, they do lead to connections which may pay off later in ways I never imagined.

Just like having the patience to wait for those spring, summer, and next fall blooms, it takes perseverance to stay focused on the vision of my business.  It also requires the willingness to acknowledge that I will encounter some duds, have someone else get that job, and be rewarded with truly gratifying and fulfilling work and relationships.

And…I am already looking at the bare areas and thinking about whether I want to plant something or just enjoy the open space.